That's not abuse

Introduction.

With emotional abuse, it can be so difficult to determine where the line is crossed. It is not like physical or sexual abuse, where there is often a point where an illegal action has clearly taken place, at which you can definitively say abuse has occured.

From the outside, it may be easy to say a relationship is or isn't abusive.

However, when you are in an abusive relationship it can be almost impossible to make that distinction, and even more so to feel confident that you are right.

Blurry stuff.

Many of the actions of an emotional abuser are not too far from normal behaviours.

• Making threats
• Making jokes at your expense
• Insisting that you spend all your time together
• Ignoring you
• Being condescending
• Dismissing or invalidating your opinions

These are all actions that can be abusive. Alternatively, they may just be rude, but acceptable from a legal standpoint, depending on the context.

What's their intent?

For me, it's helpful to consider what the other person's intent is when they behave in a certain way.

The fact of the matter is that people who love you, do not want to hurt you, so the intent behind their actions should never be malicious.

Examples:

Lying.

I don't know what I got you for your birthday, you'll have to wait and find out.

I'm late to work because my car broke down.

I did not shout at you earlier, you are going crazy, you're being dramatic.

Consider the intent of each of these lies. The first keeps a surprise secret until your birthday. I wouldn't recommend trying the second, but it probably doesn't directly effect anyone.

However, the third is made with the intent of causing self-doubt, and making the recipient feel as if they are are a bad person.

The intent behind lying can turn it from a great thing, to an abusive act.

Ignoring you.

We all need our personal space, and sometimes people really do just need some time alone.

However, ask yourself, is your partner ignoring you to help themselves, or are they doing it to hurt your or provoke a reaction from you.

In my relationship, my partner would go through periods of completely ignoring me, saying she needed "space", whilst insisting she would keep in touch about how she was doing, and asking me to keep in contact with her.

When I would reach out to ask what was wrong, she would start accusing me of being needy and placing pressure on her.

Although wanting space is fine, doing so with the intent to create an excuse to lash out at your partner, is not.

My advice

I can't draw the line for you, and tell you when certain behaviours become abusive, thats up to you.

However, I can give you some advice on how to make that decision.

People that love you dont want to hurt you.

Ask yourself, would I let a stranger treat me this way. If the answer is no, then why are you letting your partner treat you this way?

There are so many points in my relationship that I look back on from outside the bubble, with a fresh perspective, where I realise that my partner was not only treating me worse than someone that loved me should have, but worse than even a friend should have.

I had become an enemy to them.

You are not wrong.

Who cares what I say, it doesn't matter.

What matters is that you are questioning it. My advice would be that if you are questioning it, then you are probably right.

Yes, it may not be legally abusive, but if you are unhappy with their behaviour, don't continue to put up with it.

To be clear. This does not mean that you should break up with them, and nor that you are at fault for putting up with their actions. It means that you should have a conversation with them, and tell them how you feel. If they are not willing to change, then you should need to make the tough decision over whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Pop the bubble.

I cannot stress this enough.

Please. Talk. To. Someone.

Anyone, really anyone

• A friend
• A family member
• A Sainsburys checkout worker
• A stranger on the internet.

Just. Talk. To. Someone.

That outside perspective can be so helpful, and can help you to see things that you may not have been able to see before.

Hiding your feelings away is so dangerous. It is not wrong to feel the way you do, and it is not wrong to want to talk about it.

The one thing I wish I had done more of, was to talk to people about how I was feeling.

Too many times I pushed away the opportunity to talk to someone, because I was scared of what they would think of me, or because I was scared of what they would say.

It is not embarrassing to have a problem.

It is not embarrassing to want to talk about it.

It is not embarrassing to want to be happy.